My Designated Difficult One

Of course none of us has a child that  “ …just marches to a different drummer.”  But if we did, we’d  be much like a great many families. Often, we tend to characterize him as unfixable, someone we just have to accept and live with (or without). We gave up on him years ago…that’s just who he is, unfortunately.

But not everyone.  Some people recognize her unique attributes. In some cases, perhaps, she's the only kid that really “gets” the family dynamics, the one who seems to always understand what’s truly going on in this clan and chooses to opt out of the mold; not the family, but the mold. She sees what’s good and what’s not-so-much, and chooses her own path, often to the great benefit of herself and everyone else.

If we’ve given up on him, how do we treat him in our estate planning? That can play out all the way from ignoring his differences or even his existence, to making sure he can’t hurt himself with his inheritance.

More and more families are discovering for themselves the relationship  they really want and can have with this particular child by exploring through story telling.  This is exactly the way Bill and Carole, our hypothetical client couple, learned the beauty and the uniqueness of Mattie, their autistic son.

When we take the time to delve deeply into Mom's and Dad’s  stories, we help them discern the unique attributes of their DDO, as John A. Warnick likes to call her (our Designated Difficult One http://johnawarnick.typepad.com/seedlings/). As John says,


 “Step back and ask yourself: “what message am I missing and what opportunity to grow is our family forfeiting because I’m not willing to listen and learn from my (DDO)?"

Don’t draw a circle that shuts me out---draw a circle that takes me in.